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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".