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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.