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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette