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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
My pants are 75% off.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things