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There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`