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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.