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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.