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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.