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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.