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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.