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What I do when I black out is none of my business.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.