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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me