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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?