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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
My tricks aren`t for kids.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.