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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...