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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.