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No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
2 words, 1 finger.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?