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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
i just accidentally used AOL online, im betting the workers there are celebrating and think they have a chance in the future. lol
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Sex, do it for the kids.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.