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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?