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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.