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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
Find someone you`re good at.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.