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One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.