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Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!