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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it