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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Here`s a thought: Let`s let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats