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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.