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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.