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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass