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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?