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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.