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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.