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Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?