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I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.