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I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.