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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!