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Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking