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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I order all my food with extra gluten.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.