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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome