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I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
Asking me if Iām hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.