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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.