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To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.