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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99