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My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.