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They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.