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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.