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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.