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Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.