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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
The best things in life require no pants.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.