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Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.