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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.