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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.