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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...