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Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.