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Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...