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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly Iām a big deal...
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop ā¦
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
So... Where does one obtain minions?
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook