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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
What do women say when they are actually fine?
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.