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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
You make me want to be a drunker person
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.