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Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.