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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?