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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.