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Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.