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If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.