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I wish my mind had a delete button.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.