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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.