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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?