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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.