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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.