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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
take me drunk i`m home
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.