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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
A leaf blower, but for people.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.