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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.