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Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes