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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.