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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
take me drunk i`m home
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point