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Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)