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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.