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I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.