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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.