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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.