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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list