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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.