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Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time