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Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
The first sign of laziness:
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you