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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
What’s the answer to this question?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!