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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.