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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.