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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?