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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
´s status message is better than yours
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.