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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.