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I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.