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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm