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If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.