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Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.