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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!