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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.