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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...