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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.