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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.