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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.