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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed