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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake