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No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.