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Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.