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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"