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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...