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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
it`s friday o clock
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.